As some of you know, I have recently had a break away, reconnecting with family and friends overseas. I initially thought that I would write this next blog about the damaging effects of stress, as I think that as women we often keep pushing ourselves not realising that we aren’t being productive, we often wait too long to take holidays or have a break not realising when our “batteries” are flat.
Instead we turn to ways that are easy “fixes” that stimulate us and stress us further. For instance, how many of us are up early and cannot function without starting the day with caffeine?, and how many go to bed very late and are unable to sleep unaided, resorting to winding down with a glass of wine (or two) or taking medications in order to try and sleep. The fact is it is just not sustainable over time. The longer it goes on, these overwhelming feelings of stress create a physiological (and psychological) response in our bodies and the circulating cortisol (which is a normal response to fear and stress) puts our body on constant alert and can weaken our immune system in the long term.
So, I think deep down we all know about the damaging effects, the fact that we often burn the candle at both ends but perhaps we don’t always know why, and it can be useful to look at some of the reasons why we do this – in order to break the cycle.
I think that a wonderful key trait that many women share, is that they are always being on the look out for others. However, while on the one hand being caring and showing empathy to friends and family is a wonderful thing, on the other it can cause some women to carry a huge burden. Manczak, a female Psychologist did some interesting research and examined the hidden costs of parental empathy. While there are clearly some benefits to having children (psychologically and emotionally there were good outcomes) it is important to note that the parents in her study were found to have high inflammatory markers. She goes on to suggest that the findings are consistent with other research where over time, caregivers of people with chronic illness develop chronic inflammation and elevated stress levels. While we know caregiving for people with illness can be stressful, when you consider that women often provide the majority of caregiving to multiple family members, they really need to learn that in order to care for others, they need to be able to take care of themselves. This is critical as we know that stress is an important risk factor in contributing to heart disease and if we don’t make changes to our underlying behaviours then many of the other things we put in place are not going to be effective.
Before I talk about some of the things that I do to counteract and reduce stress, I want to discuss why women in particular are at risk of increasing stress levels. One issue is that as women, we don’t tend to put ourselves first, one major reason is that historically we have been socially conditioned to look after others, to be caring and supportive and “not be selfish”. I can think of countless women who are the primary care giver in their house, many are single mothers who shoulder a huge physical and emotional responsibility, some also have to act as the caregiver for an elderly relative, and many are what we call the “sandwich” generation where they have both younger children and older parents. Other women shoulder most of the demands at home as they have a partner who might be in a demanding job, or does shift work, and as such these women juggle the demands of work (either in or outside the home) plus most of the household duties. As Annabelle Crabb points out in her wonderful book The Wife Drought “working women are in an advanced, sustained, and chronically under-reported state of wife drought, and there is no sign of rain”.
Another related issue is that some women don’t feel that they are deserving enough to take time out for themselves. Gay Hendricks talks about the need for more self-love being really critical for women. Take a moment, do these sound familiar? That you run yourself ragged trying to be everything to everyone and You never feel like you’re “enough”?
I think that there’s not one woman who doesn’t feel these at some point and I can’t emphasise enough the importance of getting some practical ways and strategies in order to create time for yourself. There is absolutely no point in trying to take care of everyone else’s needs if you are run down and stressed out. One exercise that can be a game changer is to think about how hard it would be for everyone else if you weren’t there, who would step in? How would life look like for those you love? While it might seem morbid, I know of women who worked around the clock, gave all they had to their family and friends and literally worked themselves to death. Nobody benefits, there is a huge loss of life and enormous grief and repercussions for so many members of the family for years to come.
So, I want to share what I do to take care of myself.
The first is to set boundaries in the home (just as you often do at work), but with people you love and care for. I came across a great book a few years ago by Harriet Braiker called The Disease to Please. Harriet has since been on Oprah and I would suggest you either watch the video or read her book as there are some really good chapters where women share their stories. One woman spoke about how she did absolutely everything for her family for many years and this inevitably led to her falling ill with exhaustion. When she tried to address it, there was huge resentment from her family (they could not understand why there was such a sudden change) and she described what she implemented in order to change both her and their behaviour. While I had a younger family at the time, I could sense that I also have an inherent desire to please others, to be “liked”, and especially by those close to me. Also, when you are often worn down by juggling so many demands, its easier to take the option of just doing things yourself rather than teaching younger children, or when you have teenagers (as I do now) having a major drama getting others to do tasks! This book really resonated with me, I learnt to set boundaries, and started to ask for help and not see this as a sign of failure.
The second thing that I do to reduce my stress levels is to exercise every day, and I have to admit that this has been something that I haven’t always been good at. However, I now make it a priority. I read somewhere that if you can’t find half an hour (to an hour) for yourself every morning and/ or in the evening then there’s something wrong with your prioritise– so make it an appointment in your diary!
The third thing is to try and incorporate a practice in which you can switch off and mentally recharge your batteries, exercises such as yoga can be one way and meditation another. How I switch off is to meditate, I was taught this by a good friend and colleague Denni Francisco several years ago and I am indebted to her for this. It was not something that I was always open to but during a particularly stressful time I was encouraged by Denni and I started with a few minutes at a time. There are many tools that you can use and some really good Apps that include five minute meditations; The Smiling Mind and Headspace are a good place to start.
The fourth thing is to look at your diet, the mantra – “You are what you eat” isn’t far wrong and we all need to make a conscious effort to eat well; as food is the fuel in your body. You cannot expect to go the distance with long days, juggling multiple work and family commitments, as well as feeling good about yourself if you are not eating the right food. I advocate everything in moderation but have recently restricted my caffeine intake to one coffee in the morning, and only an occasional drink of alcohol on a weekend. I have reduced my consumption of red meat, as well as carbohydrates and have almost cut out sugar altogether. I feel so much better eating more fresh fruit and vegetables, more fish and its made a huge difference to my energy levels as well as sleeping better at night. I will talk more in future blogs about how you can make small changes to your diet, including all the necessary vitamins that will keeping your energy levels up.
The fifth important thing that you can do is to get more sleep, it is not enough to exist on 5-6 hours when it should be nearer 7 to 8 hours. I have a number of ways I have of achieving this including going to bed earlier, having block out curtains so there is minimum light in the room, and reducing technology (yes, staying off the internet!) and any devices for at least an hour before bed. I believe that we are a sleep deprived nation and this is impacting on our health in a serious way, but more about this in another Blog.
In the meantime I hope that you have found this interesting, if you think that some of the information would be useful to your friends and family then please share this via your social media on the links below. Please connect with me via facebook or Twitter and let me know if there’s any particular topics that you would like me to cover in future posts.
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